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Best friends Dale Doback and Brennan Huff (played by Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly) didn’t always start off as besties. It started when their single parents decided to get together.
Brennan’s mom Nancy Huff (played by Mary Steenburgen) married Dr. Robert Doback (played by Richard Jenkins) and these two adult children became accidental step brothers.
That’s the plot of the American comedy film Step Brothers, one of the best comedies of all time.
It comes from producer Judd Apatow (who produced the tv show Freaks and Geeks) and director Adam McKay (who brought us Talladega Nights) and concerns the aimless middle-aged losers Brennan and Dale as they go from step brothers to family.
Here are some of the best Step Brother Drum Set along with some video clips to tickle your fancy like Dale tickling his ivories on Brennan’s drum set.
1. “Can we turn our bed into bunkbeds?” “It will give us so much extra space in our room to do activities!”
When the guys finally do become best friends (spoiler alert) they decide early on that one of the best things to do is turn their beds into bunk beds. They rush upstairs to ask their parents for permission, and the following hilarious scene unfolds.
Dale: Can we turn our beds into bunkbeds?
Nancy: Why are you guys so sweaty?
Dale: We already figured out how to do this, the beds match up perfectly.
Brennan: And here’s the thing, it will give us so much extra space in our room to do activities!
Robert: You don’t need permission from us to build bunkbeds. You’re adults, you can do what you want.
Robert: I’m not making myself clear… I don’t give a f***; now you both have several interviews tomorrow. I would think you’d be focused on that and not building bunkbeds.
Brennan: We can..? No?
Brennan: Thanks. You guys are not gonna regret it.”
And then, mere moments later, Dale returns and has this to say:
Dale: “The bunks beds were a terrible idea. Why’d you let us do that?!”
2. “This house is fucking prison!” “On planet Bullshit!” “in the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!”
The guys do not love it when they get their TV taken away for a week. However, they kinda deserve the punishment since they nearly destroyed the house and their parent’s reputations fighting with each other on the front lawn. Blind to their parent’s point of view, naturally, their response is to freak out and lash out. Here’s what they say:
Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison!
Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit!
Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!
3. “Okay, here’s the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta f one, marry one, kill one, go!”
The guys think they are mighty clever when they turn their job interviews around and start interviewing the interviewee. This is one of their first questions, and needless to say, it does not go well for them.
4. “I’m going to take a pillowcase, and fill it full of bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you.”
The guys hate each other, especially after their TV is taken away. So, they try to one-up each other as they whisper threats and insults to one another before they go to sleep. Here’s the full quote in context:
Dale Doback: Hey, you awake?
Brennan Huff: Yeah.
Dale Doback: I just want you to know I hate you. And so does my dad.
Brennan Huff: Well that’s fine. Cause guess what? I hate you too. And this house sucks ass.
Dale Doback: Well the only reason you’re living here, is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we’ll put up with the retard in the meantime.
Brennan Huff: Who’s the retard?
Dale Doback: You.
Brennan Huff: Hey ya’ll don’t say that!
Dale Doback: Shut up! You’ll wake up my dad and get me grounded.
Brennan Huff: Just shut up!
Dale Doback: You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.
Brennan Huff: You’re not a doctor… you’re a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!
Dale Doback: Oh yeah?
Brennan Huff: Yeah.
Dale Doback: I’m a curly-headed fuck?
Brennan Huff: Yeah. You better not go to sleep, cause as soon as your eyes shut I’m gonna punch you square in the face.
Dale Doback: I hope you stay still when you sleep, cause I’m gonna put a rat trap between your legs.
Brennan Huff: I’m going to take a pillowcase, and fill it full of bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you.
Dale Doback: I want you out of my fucking house!
Brennan Huff: No way Kimosabe. This is my house now.
5. “Hey Derek, you know what’s good for shoulder pain?…If you lick my butthole.”
When Dale meets Brennan’s successful older brother Derek for the first time, played by Adam Scott, he’s intimidated at first, just like Brennan.
However, when Dale stands up to Derek is when Brennan truly becomes Dale’s friend. Nothing unites two rivals like a common enemy after all.
This quote is after Derek is thrust from the treehouse and hurts his shoulder. Brennan takes a little too much glory over his brother as he gloats from above:
Brennan Huff: “Hey Derek, you know what’s good for shoulder pain?”
Brennan Huff: “If you lick my butt hole.”
6. “Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me… “Oh, my God, I’ve had the old bull, now I want the young calf,” and she grabs me by the wiener.”
Dale will do or say anything to get his dad and Nancy to break up after they first move in. In this scene, he tries to convince his dad that Nancy may come onto him, which would ruin their marriage.
Here’s the full quote in context
Dale Doback: “Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I’m looking good, got a luscious V of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes, “Oh, my God, I’ve had the old bull, now I want the young calf,” and she grabs me by the weiner.”
Dr. Robert Doback: “Shut the fuck up!”
7. “I’ve got a belly full of white dog crap in me and now you lay this shit on me?!”
The guys just had a rough day with the kids. They forced them to eat white dog crap, and then the parents decide the boys have to go to therapy and they are selling the house. Naturally, this enrages Brennan. Here’s the full quote:
Brennan: Hold on. We’re not going on the boat, Derek’s selling the house, we have to go to therapy? What the fuck happened?!”
Nancy: Look, I know this seems really, really sudden and just sort of unfair and cruel, but-”
Dr. Robert: “But its non-negotiable.”
Nancy: “But its non-negotiable.”
Brennan: “I’ve got a belly full of white dog crap in me and now you lay this shit on me?!”
Dr. Robert: “You’re adults. It’s time you start acting like adults.”
Nancy: “I’m not backing down Brennan. Don’t even try.”
Dr. Robert: “I know this is hard, but it’s the best thing for both of you. We do it because we love you.”
Dale: “Dad, I’m doing this because I love you: Fuck you.”
Dr. Robert: “Anything else?”
Dale: “No. Bon voyage, have a great time!”
That last line is so funny, it needed its own clip!
As a bonus, here’s the scene where the kids make Brennan eat the white dog crap in question:
8. “On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don’t even think about it. Just name it. Ready? One, two, three…” “Velociraptor!”
Once they learn to stop fighting each other, the guys realize they have an instant connection. They are basically the same person.
So naturally, when they begin to see themselves not as foes, it becomes crystal clear just how similar they are.
Check out the scene below for the exact moment they become best friends:
Dale Doback: “On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don’t even think about it. Just name it. Ready? One, two, three.”
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: “Velociraptor!”
Brennan Huff: “Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to.”
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: “Good Housekeeping!”
Brennan Huff: “If you were a chick, who’s the one guy you’d sleep with?”
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: “John Stamos!”
Dale Doback: “What?!”
Brennan Huff: “Did we just become best friends?”
Dale Doback: “Yep!”
Brennan Huff: “Do you wanna do karate in the garage?”
Dale Doback: “Yep!”
9. “It’s like masturbating in a time machine!”
The guys are both united against Derek, but they haven’t fully become best friends yet. They just want to escape the house where their parents are being totally lame and hide out in the treehouse.
This is when Dale discovers Brennan’s good collection of nudie magazines.
Brennan Huff: “You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.”
Dale Doback: “Yeah, I got ’em from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. It’s like masturbating in a time machine.”
10. “But one time I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with my bare hands.”
This quote is from when Brennan and Dale meet for the first time and are trying to intimidate each other at the dinner table.
Dale says this to Brennan to try and psyche him out.
11. “How good?” “I’ve been called the songbird of my generation by people who’ve heard me.”
Brennan’s peacocking retort to Dale’s ability to strangle a giraffe with his bare hands is to call himself the songbird of his generation.
Pretty bold claim, but hilarious delivery from Will Ferrell.
12. “I’ll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.” “The clown has no penis.” “What kind of dreams are you guys having?”
This quote happens when Nancy enters the room and the guys wake up and quote the last line of the dreams they just had.
13. “I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.” “You don’t know anyone named Johnny Hopkins.” “It was Johnny Hopkins, and Sloan Kettering, and they were blazin’ that shit up every day.”
Brennan is not impressed with Dr. Robert Doback’s credentials when his mom tells him about where he went to school.
So he tries to downplay the John Hopkins school as someone he smoked weed with in grade school. Nice try, Brennan.
14. “I’m going upstairs… ’cause I’m gonna put my nutsack on your drumset! Okay?”
When the boys feud at the beginning of the film, it coalesces around Dale’s drumset.
As Dale said, his only rule of the house is that Brennan does not ever touch his drum set. Brennan gets so mad at Dale that he can’t stand it.
So, naturally, he threatens to put his nuts on Dale’s drumset. Here’s the full quote:
Dale Doback: Hey man. Did you touch my drumset?
Brennan Huff: Nope
Dale Doback: It’s just weird, ’cause, it seems like someone definitely touched my drumset.
Brennan Huff: Yeah, that is weird, ’cause I didn’t touch ’em.
Dale throws Brennan’s feet off the couch.
Brennan Huff: Hey!
Dale Doback: Did you touch my drumset?!
Brennan Huff: Hey, knock it off!
Dale Doback: I know you touched my drumstick, ’cause the left one has a chip in it.
Brennan Huff: Are you fucking crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated.
Dale Doback: Fuck you Brennan! I know you touched my drumset, and I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it.
Brennan Huff: Get out of my face, or I’m gonna roundhouse your ass!
Dale Doback: You swear on your mom’s life that you didn’t touch it then!
Brennan Huff: I don’t have to swear to shit!
Dale Doback: “That’s ’cause you fucking touched my drumset! ‘Cause I know COPS doesn’t start ’till 4:00!”
Brennan begins to leave the room.
Dale Doback: “Where you going?”
Brennan Huff: “I’m going upstairs… ’cause I’m gonna put my nutsack, on your drumset! Okay?”
Dale Doback: “If you do that – I’m warning you, right now! If you touch my drums, I will stab you, in the neck, with a knife!”
The aftermath of this fight is almost as hilarious as the lead-up. For instance, Nancy tries to sit the boys down and figure out what was going on. here it is:
Nancy Huff: “Today, I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled “rape” at the top of your lungs.”
Brennan Huff: “Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, “Lets get it on.”
Dale Doback: “That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper!”
Brennan Huff: “Look, I didn’t touch your drum set, okay?”
Dale Doback: “I witnessed with my eyes your testicles touching my drum set.”
Here’s the scene:
15. “One day my dad said, ‘Bobby, you are 17. It’s time to throw childish things aside,’ and I said, ‘Okay, pop.’ But he didn’t really say that, he said ‘Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job.”
Dr. Robert Doback can relate to Dale and Brennan’s lack of wanting to grow up. Because he always wanted to be a dinosaur, as he explains in a beautiful monologue. Here it is:
Dr. Robert Doback: “Dale, look, when I was a kid, when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur. I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex more than anything in the world. I made my arms short and I roamed the backyard, I chased the neighborhood cats, I growled and I roared. Everybody knew me and was afraid of me. And one day my dad said, “Bobby, you are 17. It’s time to throw childish things aside,” and I said, “Okay, Pop.” But he didn’t really say that, he said, “Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job. But you know? I thought to myself, I’ll go to medical school, I’ll practice for a little while, and then I’ll come back to it.”
Brennan: “How is this a skill?”
Dr. Robert Doback: “But I forgot how to do it.”
Dale: “You’re human. You could never be a dinosaur.”
Dr. Robert Doback: “Hey. I lost it.
Dale: “Hey Dad, what’s the point of this?”
Dr. Robert Doback: “The point is, don’t lose your dinosaur.”
16. “You’re embarrassing yourself, you geriatric f-”
This is far from the full quote. This is the moment that Brennan loses his shit and yells at the top of his lungs at Dr. Robert Doback. Here’s the full quote:
Brennan: “You’re embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck! Two things: you keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She’s a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000, or I’m going to shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!”
17. “Dad, what are you doing? It’s Shark Week.”
This is the moment that Dale’s dad pulls the plug on their TV watching habits. They obviously are not happy about it.
18. “Is that onion? Onion and… Onion and ketchup. It stinks. And this is a small room… Okay. Now the tuxedos seem kind of fucked up.”
When the guys are interviewing for jobs, they almost get the gig at a Sporting Goods store until Dale lets out a very prolonged fart. Here’s the scene:
Sporting Goods Manager: Was that a fart?
Dale Doback: I don’t know.
Sporting Goods Manager: I can taste it. On my tongue.
Dale Doback: Okay, I’ll be honest with you. I did fart.
Sporting Goods Manager: Is that onion? Onion and… Onion and ketchup. It stinks. And this is a small room.
Brennan Huff: Shit.
Sporting Goods Manager: Okay. Now the tuxedos seem kind of fucked up.
19. “Listen, I know that we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.”
Brennan says this to Dale after Brennan helps stand up to Derek. This is the moment where Brennan and Dale truly see each other as allies. As Dale responds:
Dale Doback: “I would follow you into the mists of Avalon if that’s what you mean.”
20. “Brennan, that is the voice of an angel. Brennan, I can’t even make eye contact with you right now. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus… This is going to sound weird but, for a second, I think you took on the shape of a unicorn.”
Dale says this to Brennan when he sings for the first time. While Brennan is shy to sing in public, Dale is overwhelmed and loves it when Brennan finally shows him his talent.
I must say, I was pretty overwhelmed hearing Brennan sing as well.
21. “Boats N Hoes”
This is the scene where the boys show their Prestige Worldwide music video to the parents and a group of investors to try to invest.
It naturally goes down pretty horribly, since they happened to wreck Robert’s boat in the process.
21. “I wanna roll you up in a little ball and shove you up my vagina… You could just live there, it’s warm and it’s cozy… Oh, I’d just walk around with you in there and just knowing, whenever I feel a little tickle or scratch it’s your hair on my vagina!”
Derek’s wife Alice (played by Kathryn Hahn) is obsessed with Dale throughout the film, and she says this to him when she finally confronts him outside the house and makes a move on him.
22. “Dad, we’re men. That means a few things – we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. that’s we do, and now that is all wrecked.”
Dale also says this to his dad to try to convince him not to marry Nancy. Needless to say, it doesn’t work.
Dale Doback: “I’m just saying, you need to think about your options. I know you two are technically married but that does not mean that they have to live here.”
Dr. Robert Doback: “Dale, I think it’s time for a change. For both of us.”
Dale Doback: “Dad, we’re men. That means a few things – we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That’s what we do, and now that is all wrecked.”
Dr. Robert Doback: “…We literally have never done any of those things.”
22. “Brennan, I thought you were incredibly brave. And I mean that in strictly the most clinical and professional sense possible, with no emotional, intimate, sexual, or any other undertones that you could possibly infer.” “God, you’re gonna make me cry. What poem is that from? Is that James Joyce?”
Brennan is overwhelmed when his therapist Denise comes to the Catalina wine mixer to see him perform – well, really she shows up because he threatened to kill himself, but what’s the difference really?
She was actually really impressed with him, and her speech brings him to tears. See the scene above!
23. “That’s so funny; the last time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.”
Dale says this when combating Brenna’s “I remember my first beer” joke at the dinner table.
24. “Last week we put liquid paper on a bee… and it died.”
The guys share this as part of their “research and development” segment of their Prestige Worldwide presentation.
Needless to say, it is a strange anecdote that doesn’t help their presentation.
25. “It’s the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer!”
Nothing has been built up more in movie history than the Catalina Wine Mixer, mostly because every character that talks about the Catalina wine mixer always references it by its full name, the Catalina Wine Mixer.
So When Dale and Brennan save the Catalina Wine Mixer from disaster, everyone is overwhelmed and overjoyed… because it’s the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.
26. “You’ve actually seen him eating a man’s penis?” “It was in international waters, so they couldn’t prosecute him. But I saw it.”
Derek tries to intimidate Brennan at work through the use of his coworker who, allegedly, has eaten another man’s penis.
Watch the clip. Pa Pow!
27. “Look, I’m not good at this hallmark stuff, but, when I look at you now, I don’t wanna kick you in the head quite as much.”
Derek has problems admitting his feelings, but after Dale and Brennan save the Cataline wine mixer with their epic song, he does have this nice thing to say.
Derek and his family are introduced in the best way. Here’s the exact moment we meet them for the first time.
And that’s it! Those are the best quotes from the comedy film Step Brothers!
What do you think are the best step brothers quotes from the Step Brothers film? Let us know in the comment section below.
Grant Harvey is a freelance writer, screenwriter, and filmmaker based out of Los Angeles. When he’s not working on his own feature-length screenplays and television pilots, Grant uses his passion and experience in film and videography to help others learn the tools, strategies, and equipment needed to create high-quality videos as a filmmaker of any skill level.